Yoga Teacher Training - more than just asanas
For information about the yoga teacher training itself (itinerary, syllabus, accommodation, food, setting etc) see my experience guide here.
On the first day of the yoga retreat, we all met at San Jose airport and waited for each of us to get in before boarding a bus to Jaco. We were sat in some small cafe, initially just a handful of us, introducing ourselves to each other. But soon the group grew and there were so many people, so many voices. I felt uncomfortable and overwhelmed. The majority of people joining the YTT were from America, and Americans are just much more friendly, a little more outgoing. Sociable. I’m not a terribly sociable person myself. I can keep to myself – I like my own time, my own space. I have to make a conscious effort to start and maintain a conversation. I guess I’m just very comfortable with silence. And this was not silence. Especially coming off the back of a month solo travelling, being able to control how much human contact I had and how sociable I am, this was quite a shock.
On my second day, having had a little time to settle in, I was not feeling it. I remember calling my friend and home and telling her that I think I hated it here. Everyone was bonding, almost immediately, making connections with each other because they’d actually spent time talking to others and getting to know them. By withdrawing to my comfort zone, I was missing out. When I mention to my therapist that I prefer not talking about my life to others, she would always say, “don’t you think it’s sad? Think about what you are missing out on”. I never really understood what she meant by that, until now.
At the retreat, I’d get waves of anxiety. Feeling that I had to play up to a role, pretend to be happy and bubbly to match the energy of everyone else. I just didn’t get it. I’d watch conversations and see people jump in to share their own opinions or asking questions about people’s lives that I’d consider too personal. (I never give my opinion unless someone asks for it. And I don’t tend to ask questions about people’s lives unless it’s a topic they’ve started themselves.) Adjusting was a lot for me at the beginning. It was making me irritable and unfocused.
By the end of the first week, I had settled in much more. I began to open, looking beyond the academic view of learning about yoga and taking it as more of an overall experience. My inner monologue calmed and I judged less. It felt nice to let that go. Being surrounded by a non-judgemental atmosphere helped. During practice and meditations, yoga started to unlock old feelings and memories of my childhood. Memories that I knew existed but had somehow forgotten. They were nothing special – a drive to the supermarket, sitting by the window on a grey day – but they were comforting, warm. And it was more than just remembering, I was feeling them. Reliving them. It was nice.
During the second week, we started learning about chakras. It sounds naive, but when I signed up for this YTT I never considered that there would be more than just asanas. It never crossed my mind that we would be getting philosophical, psychological, emotional. So when we started to tap into that, I immediately closed up. I felt awkward and uncomfortable, and I didn’t want to share anything. I watched those that shared, that cried, that gave into their emotions and part of me despised it. But then I saw how everyone supported them, how it led to more sharing and connections and ultimately strength, which I had never considered. And again, my therapists voice was in my head. And so I decided at some point I too would share. I, too, would work on opening up, on accepting my emotions and on feeling them. So, here we were, in the yoga shala, learning about the root chakra – stability and security, meeting one’s basic needs. As we were learning, the things we were discussing began to really resonate with me. I felt this panic spread over my body, a nervous energy, like I had been exposed. During my childhood, I’d had some periods of instability and insecurity – where my families basic needs were at risk of / were not met. I knew that some of my depression stemmed from these experiences, but here I really got to understand how that played out in my thoughts and my actions. The nervous energy inside me was building, and I felt right there that this was the time to share my experiences, my story. At this point in my life, the only person I had told about these childhood experiences was my partner. I have been too ashamed to tell anyone else – hiding this part of me. And I thought sharing my story would be a release. So there I was, sweating, fidgeting, waiting for the moment where our teacher would ask if anyone had something to share. And instead, she says this work on the chakras can be painful and emotional, so I will not ask people to share today. A disappointment, almost like grief, washes over me, and I’m so overwhelmed by the pent-up anxious energy that was at the cusp of release that I start to cry. I leave the shala, and my story stays secret.
At the end of our second week, we had a cacao ceremony. I’ve done one before, but I was sceptical and kept rigid. I didn’t get anything out of the first one I did. But this time round I knew I had to let go in some aspect to actually gain something from it. By this point, I was much more receptive to feeling your feelings and sharing your emotions, and I have to say I really felt something this time round. It was beautiful. We started the ceremony with a waterfall of aum, which if you’ve never experienced, I highly recommend find a large class and requesting it. The vibrations and the energy that passes through the room is just amazing. You feel it in your bones. Then during the serving of the cacao itself, we chanted and sang to music, like kirtan. I started with our guide chanting repeatedly, and we joined in as we got more familiar. People started to harmonise, instruments and percussion were played. It was so magical to feel the swell of voices in unison and strength. It felt good to sing out loud, to open up your lungs and your heart. This was followed by movement, by dance. In the darkness, eyes closed, feeling the music and the rhythm and the energy of other bodies. My intention was to be open to this, be okay with feeling a little uncomfortable, to not judge and just go with the flow. And I did. Our group intention was to find our dharma, our life purpose. And it honestly came to me so clearly at the close. My purpose to help someone, to guide someone. I could feel it so clearly in my core. I could feel its importance and my must and need. It is remarkable how good it feels to be sure of something. The whole experience was genuinely enlightening and such a wonderful example to myself of how committing to letting go and be open can serve you. I was just so in tune. I felt light and open, and my heartfelt full. I felt happy. I finally felt this sense of community everyone kept talking about. It clicked.
The following day was the first time in two weeks that I had been able to engage in meditation. Where I was able to discipline myself to focus on one thing and bring my wandering mind back to my breath. I could finally breathe a sigh of relief, to relax and be comfortable and be myself. I could stop fighting against people and allow myself to get close.
Towards the end, I got tired. My body was sore, my mind was tired. I felt like I had started to unravel. I was afraid that the work I had done on myself was fading, and I began to worry more about what would come after the retreat. I was set to meet my partner in Costa Rica and continue travelling with them. But I felt so much had changed over the past 3 weeks. I felt that I had grown and changed, I felt different. And I couldn’t see how my old life would mix with my new. I wasn’t fully participating in class, it was an effort just to sit up. I was letting my anxiety swell over me.
Back in San Jose, a day after the end, I was back with my partner, and we were preparing to start backpacking to Nicaragua. I felt that I hadn’t had time to process my stay at Vida Asana, and so that evening I took some time for myself and wrote this:
It wasn’t anything like I expected. In fact, it was actually a tough three weeks. Physically, yes, but really mentally and emotionally too. I could hear my therapist asking me what I was missing out on by not being open with people.
I really struggled to share. I mostly kept things surface level. I could see what I was missing out on by not opening up. I can’t quite describe how I felt, but I was sad and uncomfortable. It was uncomfortable to see myself as who I was and to learn that there was still so much I had to learn about myself and still so much more space to grow. I don’t think I was quite ready for this experience.
Meditation was also something I really really struggled with. I find it hard to quiet my mind. I didn’t have the discipline. Each time I’d be fighting with myself, eventually giving in and letting my mind think everything out, unravelling every thought. But I feel that if I keep working on this, once I can master this, it will be a true benefit to my soul. Because my mind never turns off. Even in my sleep, I dream constantly about my everyday life.
Almost every day on the retreat felt hard. There were some mornings where I felt so defeated and hated yoga practice. I’d be there in warrior II, crying and thinking about how I couldn’t do it anymore. I don’t really know what the feeling was - but it was overwhelming. A lot of feelings and emotions came out from this. I haven’t quite been able to unpack what they meant or why they were there, but for sure it was something I needed.
I have met such amazing and different people on this journey. All such characters. They are quite literally people for whom I have never met anyone else like them. So talented, so positive, so energetic, so in touch with others, so determined, so genuine.
I am so thankful for this experience.
For more about the yoga training itself see my experience guide or visit Vida Asana online.
For more depth on some of the things I talked about:
Eastern Body, Western Mind - Anodea Judith
The Unthethered Soul - Michael Alan Singer
Yoga Sutras of Patanjali
The Bhagavad Gita - Eknath Easwaran